Let me start by ‘unhiding.’
Confession: I love watching reality TV—it’s a simple pleasure. (Maybe you do, too.)
It’s often a way to turn off my brain and relax for an hour (or two…), but recently, I had an “aha!” moment while binge-watching Netflix’s Love is Blind.
For those unfamiliar, the show is a social experiment in which single men and women “try to find a match and fall in love — without ever seeing each other face-to-face…” For ten days, the men and women date in purpose-built “pods,” where they can talk through a wall but not see each other. (source: Wikipedia)
In the episode I was watching in season 6, one of the men had been building very positive relationships with two different women. But then, each woman shared a secret with him: one had been previously married, and the other had a child. Both women feared their revelations would lead to rejection or judgment.
Dun. Dun. Dun. As reality TV is famous for, the camera showed his face for a longer-than-usual pause (with some dramatic music) as we all waited for his reaction.
At that moment, I realized that the Four Steps of Unhiding (Acknowledge, Invite, Build, and Share, detailed in previous newsletters) were missing something critical: allowing for the space for reaction—the pause.
The Pausing Principle
When we invite people in to share what we’ve been hiding, how do we give them the space to react with questions and curiosity and the space to process new information?
Many of us who have lived with our secrets for years, if not our entire lives, often prepare for the moment of revelation, expecting those we confide in to instantly grasp the depth of our sharing and be okay with it.
Yet, this revelation may be brand new for our listeners. They haven’t walked in our shoes; they haven’t had the luxury of time to embrace our truths and may need a moment to comprehend and be curious. Sometimes, their initial reactions may not align with our expectations, but offering them this space to process—this moment of pause—is crucial for fostering a dialogue grounded in empathy.
The pause can feel uncomfortable, incredibly uncomfortable.
Understanding reactions as a natural component of the unhiding process acknowledges our varied starting points. Consider the analogy of watering dry soil: at first, the water merely sits atop, taking its time to penetrate the surface. Similarly, our revelations may need time to seep into the understanding of our listeners, requiring patience and openness as they absorb the essence of our shared truths. As we examine our own secrets, it’s crucial to acknowledge that we also need time to fully comprehend their impact on us.
Note: The pausing principle is transformative not only on a personal level but also in workplace dynamics. By intentionally creating moments for curiosity and dialogue, managers and leaders can cultivate a culture of empathy and insight, fostering a two-way street where different perspectives and experiences are heard and valued.
Adding the Pausing Principle to the 4 Steps of Unhiding
Giving space isn’t an additional step in the unhiding process – instead, it’s an essential part of each step.
· Acknowledge what you are hiding. Pause and create space for introspection.
· Invite someone in to share your secret. Pause and create space for questions.
· Build your community. Pause and create space for questions.
· Share your story. Pause and create space for questions.
Pausing creates checkpoints for people to absorb, ask questions, absorb some more, and then ask even more questions—all in a psychologically safe environment. It’s about making room for questions, allowing for curiosity with kindness, and creating space for reflection.
Yes, pausing adds time, but it also strengthens your relationships with others (and the one with yourself).
A Real-Life Example
Recently, a colleague confided in me about their ongoing battle with Crohn’s disease. This was a condition I knew of, but I didn’t fully understand the personal impact it could have on someone’s life. What stood out to me, however, was how they navigated this ‘unhiding.’
After sharing, they paused, giving me space to process the information. This pause wasn’t filled with expectation or discomfort but with an invitation for curiosity. They didn’t quickly jump to another topic; instead, they created space for initial questions, allowing me to ask how the disease affected their daily life and to grasp the nuances of their journey. This approach educated me about their experience and deepened our connection. It was a powerful reminder of how allowing space for questions and understanding can transform a moment of vulnerability into one of bonding and empathy.
Unsure how to react when someone unhides to you?
Listen. Pause. Inquire if asking questions from a place of kindness and curiosity would be okay. Consider these as starting places: Tell me more about your experience. How has this journey shaped your daily life? Is there anything specific you want me to know or understand? How can I best support you with what you’ve shared?
Unhiding is a conversation, not a monologue.
Up Next:
As we reach the six-month mark of this newsletter, we’ve also been having a conversation. The feedback and comments from many of you have meant so much to me and other readers.
Here are a few of my favorites:
· I can’t wait until “Unhiding” is a household term. THANK YOU for being a voice for us all.
· When curiosity comes from a good place, we all let our guard down a bit.
· I want to say the right things but don’t always know how to exactly, and appreciate that we can simply ask.
Starting next month, we’ll move into the next phase: Unhiding for Leaders. I’m excited to share what I’ve learned from working with leaders and how you can bring Unhiding further into your work life.
If you want to join the Unhiding community, please click here to share your journey.
P.S. Oh, and what happened to the man on Love is Blind when he learned the two ‘secrets’? As it turns out, those unhiding revelations weren’t the deal-breaker; other relationship issues and actions were.
