I hope you had a terrific holiday season and are starting the year with a feeling of rejuvenation. I certainly am after an incredible adventure in Antarctica. I’ll be writing about it more on social media, but suffice it to say, it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience that I’ll never forget.
Lots of diversity, connection, and unhiding.
Also, penguins are awesome. (The fur seals, not so much.)
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I’d like to start by sharing an article I saw recently in People magazine. The headline immediately jumped out at me:
Bald Sister Refuses Bride’s Demand to Wear a Wig at Her Wedding: ‘I Don’t Want to Hide’
The young (unnamed) woman in the story posted on Reddit that she had been bald since the age of 10, when she lost all her hair. Her sister, however, wants her to wear a wig for her upcoming wedding – and she’s refusing.
Although I don’t know her at all, my heart swelled at the bravery of this 17-year-old for standing up for her right to unhide. I know I didn’t have the courage at that age, and I hope the fact that a national magazine covers her story will give others the strength to stand up for themselves.
The responses to the young woman on Reddit were inspiring – an outpouring of support for her. Here’s one of my favorites:
It’s incredibly insulting. If you had lost an arm, would she want to photoshop one into the pictures? It’s absolutely beautiful that you have accepted yourself. I imagine it has been powerfully freeing for you! And she wants you to go back to hiding and feeling not good enough as you are??
This story is a perfect example of why the second step of unhiding is “Invite someone in.” In her case, she invited thousands of people on social media, but it really just takes one person.
When we hide, we close off a part of ourselves.
When we hide, we feel alone, as if we are the only ones hiding and nobody understands our situation, which can lead to a cascade of negative emotions and stories we tell ourselves. Over time, we build a fortress around ourselves – imagine a castle surrounded by widening circles of moats, gates, and bridges – making it hard for people to get to know and connect with us.
When we unhide, we build a bridge to connection.
Consider the story of a remarkable woman I know, a high-ranking executive in a sizable corporation. Despite her openness about her LGBTQ status at work, she harbored a different secret—her educational background. She held an associate’s degree from a community college, a detail she hid from everyone, fearing the judgment of not having a four-year degree from a prestigious university.
It was a huge burden for her. She often felt disconnected from her peers.
Fortunately, she found her “person,” in this case, a mentor with whom she could share what she’d been hiding.
The mentor helped her reframe the situation by letting the woman know that she was incredibly successful in her career and smarter than many other people dealing with huge college loans. She got her path to education with no debt. And, when she stopped hiding, she began to connect with her colleagues in more authentic and open ways, with less fear of judgment and rejection. She became even more engaged and more innovative.
So, how do you find your person?
First, I recommend doing a journaling exercise where you reflect and list the qualities of the person you want to unhide with.
1) A great listener
2) Someone who will challenge you on your beliefs and ask you some tough questions (this is a nice way of saying they’ll call you on your BS)
3) …
When I mention this step, there may be someone who immediately pops to mind, your go-to person. It could be a friend, a former boss, or a colleague. Start with them.
(I realize that many people aren’t comfortable unhiding to someone at their current job – especially if they’re in a leadership position – and that’s fine. It can happen in stages and outside the office at first.)
Remember, it’s a journey.
There’s someone out there for everyone, and finding that person is a huge step in unhiding and releasing what has been holding you back from thriving and connecting. The first person you decide to invite in might not be the right one. They may not react in the way you’re hoping for and need. That’s ok. Don’t let it get you down. Keep going… because it’s worth it. The consequences and toll of continuing to hide are much worse than the actual unhiding.
Not sure where to start? Please click here if you’d like to begin your unhiding journey with me.
